Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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