I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
