guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
