I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
