You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
