We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
