After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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