I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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