Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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