I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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