Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
