I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
