Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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