when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
