They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
