I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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