I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
