My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
