last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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