i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
