Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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