i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
