So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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