i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize