Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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