Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
