There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
