So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
