I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
