Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
