You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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