I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
