apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
