If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
What a dumb baby whore.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
