I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
