grandma shit on top of the toilet
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
