I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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