all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
