I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
