i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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