Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize