i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
