so that wasnt chicken after all
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
