You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
