It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
