So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
