Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have feelings that need drinking.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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