I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Of course I have a pirate flag
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
