THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
