the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
