Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
