Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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