Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
