My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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