I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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