Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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