we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
