I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
